


Warlock's Guide to Occult (and Ethereal) Beings

by Hello_Im_Death



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Beelzebean, Crowley is Good With Kids (Good Omens), Crowley is not Raphael, Gen, God Ships Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Hastur Lavista, How is that not a tag, I just really wanted to say that, I'll probably add more things, I'm adding tags as I go, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Naga Crowley (Good Omens), Other, They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), Warlock decides to make videos, Who knows when I'll stop, Wow Look At These Idiots, and they are all just goobers, with his occult/ethereal peoples
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:06:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25178899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hello_Im_Death/pseuds/Hello_Im_Death
Summary: What happens when a normal boy is raised by a not so normal angel and demon? He makes videos about it, of course.In which the poor, poor, souls of angels and demons who have no idea what exactly a video is are roped into creating them with two 11/12 year olds.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Bye, everyone, then. And remember, don't lick the walls!" The video ended with Warlock grinning, Beelzebub laughing like a maniac; which they are, and Crowley's angry shout of'Why you-!'
Relationships: Aziraphale & Raphael (Good Omens), Aziraphale & Warlock Dowling, Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens), Crowley & Warlock Dowling, Warlock Dowling/Adam Young
Comments: 18
Kudos: 71





	1. Wings

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments!

“And the camera’s on.” 

A young, dark haired boy stepped into view. “Hi, I’m Warlock, and I’m here to help explain to other non-supernatural beings stuff about angels and demons.” Warlock looked ready to burst into laughter. 

"Let me introduce everybody watching to my personal occult,” 

"And ethereal.” 

"And ethereal, godfathers.” 

A tall, dark man stepped into view, followed by short(er), bright man. They looked like complete opposites. 

"I’m Crowley.” He looked over to Warlock. “Should I take off my glasses? If we’re doing this, might as well do it right.” 

Crowley sighed and slipped the dark tinted glasses off his face and into his pocket. His eyes flickered to the man at his side. 

"Go ahead, introduce yourself, Angel." 

The man blinked a few times in apparent confusion, before looking over to the camera.

"Oh, right. I am Aziraphale. Should I tell them my position?” Warlock still looked ready to laugh. "Go ahead.” 

"Yes, alright. I am Aziraphale, principality, guardian of the eastern gate. Although I’m not quite the guardian of the gate anymore, am I..” 

Warlock shook his head, chuckling. 

"Anyways, if you couldn’t guess already, Crowley is a demon, or fallen angel, and Aziraphale is an angel. We have a few more beings to introduce, then we can start on our first episode. Adam, bring them in!” 

Another boy stepped into frame, his messy golden curls bouncing around his head. Four more beings followed him. As well as a small dog. 

"These are Beelzebub, Gabriel, Raphael, and Hastur. Hey, ‘Hastur Lavista.’ How are you doing? I see you, still, smell like poo.” The black eyed demon snarled at him, but stopped when he got a very pointed glare from Adam. 

"This izz stupid.” Beelzebub narrowed their eyes, flys buzzing angrily around their head. The antennas on the large fly perched upon them twitched. 

"I whole-heartedly agree. I should be back upstairs, not doing some stupid 'video' for a human.” Crowley glared, and Adam moved his look to Gabriel. 

The long haired man standing next to Adam shifted nervously, messing with the strawberry blonde waves of hair. 

"I’m St. Raphael. The patron saint of healing, and travelers, and the blind, bodily ills.. stuff like that. It’s, uhm, good to see you?” Gabriel scoffed at Raphael. “Oh shut up, will you? I’m just as powerful as you, and you can’t do anything. You aren’t the only prince of heaven.” 

Warlock chuckled again. “Raphael is here because he’s the only one of our guests that didn’t really care for the end of the world. The others are here, so they have to deal with it.” 

Raphael smiled and nodded. “Humans are quite funny, if nothing else.”

"Great. Moving on, this first episode will be simple. It’s going to be about the different types of wings an angel or demon can have. Aziraphale?” 

The angel stepped forward, into the center of the camera. “We’re going to start with angels, because our wings are rather simple. Warlock, we may need a larger room. Or should we just take it outside?” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new clip started, and the group was outside, spread out more now that they had the space. 

Each individual, aside from Adam and Warlock, now had a pair (or several pairs) of wings. 

Aziraphale and Crowley’s wings were quite straight forward, Aziraphale had a pair of fluffy white wings, while Crowley had sleek black ones. Aziraphale stretched his wings out, letting the gentle breeze smooth his feathers. 

Gabriel and Raphael both had six white wings, and Raphael was happily fanning his out and slowly flapping. 

Hastur only had two wings, and they were fitting, to say the least. The feathers were not the neat and shiny feathers of Crowley’s wings, they instead were an oily color. Not quite black, but not a dark brown either. They were tattered, and looked quite crusty, with splotches of what looked like ugly green paint that had dried on is wings. He let them drag on the ground below him. 

Beelzebub was very simple, buzzing their fly wings with a smirk on their face. Aziraphale smiled. 

"As I was saying, angel wings are rather simple. At the least, we have wings like mine. At the most, three pairs, such as Gabriel and Raphael are currently sporting.” 

He gestured towards the two with one of the large feathery limbs sprouting from his back, clearly enjoying the excuse to use them. 

"According to the Angelic Choirs, the highest ranking of angel, Seraphim, also have six wings, however they are used differently then most other angels. Raphael, would you mind explaining further?” 

Raphael stepped forward to take Aziraphale’s place, nodding sweetly. 

"Of course not. Seraphim have a body like the rest of the more humanoid angels, however, their first pair of wings cover their face, the second their feet, and the third they use to fly. I do suppose we will get into the rankings of angels in a later, video, was it called?" 

He looked to Warlock for conformation. When he got a nod, he turned back to the camera. 

"Cherubim have four wings, and all other ranks falling beneath them, at least with human-like manifestations, only have two. You may wonder why me and Gabriel have six, then." 

He gestured his brother forward.

"Archangels are a bit peculiar, we can choose how we portray our wings. We usually just go with six white wings, although Michael has a liking for her single pair. She has those portraits the humans made of her." 

He hummed thoughtfully, before raising his wings above his head, spreading a glimmering light that the demons hissed away from. When Raphael was done shedding his holy light, his wings came down as a single, vibrant red pair. 

He didn't bother Gabriel to show his, and instead smiled at the demons, who, despite their obvious disgust, had huddled together in an attempt to shield themselves from the holy light. 

They quickly separated, Beelzebub shot back to his, not to close to Gabriel, place. Hastur stood still as Crowley placed himself directly beside Aziraphale. 

"Great, that's over. Demon wings are simple, really. Most of us either don't have wings anymore, don't have enough wing left to fly with anyway, or are stuck with whatever the Almighty decided fitting." 

A glimmer of sunlight shone from behind a cloud in an all too perfect moment of _coincidence._

"Beelzebub is essentially the archangel of demons, so they're able to change between the wings they have right now, or a normal pair." 

Crowley glared at Beelzebub when he was done talking, and the short demon rolled their eyes, but complied. The clear wings melted away into a puddle of sulphur-like goop that proceeded to seep down into the earth. 

More goop came from Beelzebub's back and formed a pair of large (considering Bee's size) wings. The goop solidified into messy, black feathers. 

They didn't shine like Crowley's, instead they were more matte. Beelzebub stepped forward to take the spotlight. 

"When an angel or demon materializezz their wingzzz, it doezzn't look anything special. Just pops into exzzistence." 

Gabriel stepped besides them. "When we change our wings, that's when the fancy stuff goes on." 

Gabriel gave a too-happy smile and stepped backwards, in synch with Beelzebub. 

Warlock and Adam grinned at each other. 

"This is more fun than I thought. Hastur, you're the only one who hasn't said anything. Go on, or I'll get Dog to bite your heals." 

Adam said, laughing with his friend at Hastur's terrified face (he remembers that demon). Hastur took a step forward, not bothering to lift his wings from the ground. 

"We covered pretty much everything. To the kids watching this, skip school. Do drugs. Drink beer you didn't pay for." Warlock stepped back in front. 

"Don't listen to him. But he's right, we have covered everything. Bye, everyone, then. And remember, don't lick the walls!" The video ended with Warlock grinning, Beelzebub laughing like a maniac; which they are, and Crowley's angry shout of _'Why you-!'_


	2. The War

Aziraphale was standing in front of the camera when the video began. 

"How do I know if it's on?" His voice rang out, even though the only thing seen was a single worn out button in the frame. He stepped back, and Warlock nodded. 

"You got it. Hi, apparently people liked this, so. Next episode! I've been putting this off. We should script these.. back on track, today's episode is going to be on the first war. Between heaven and the not-quite-yet forces of hell. We have Raphael here again, because he's an archangel, so, big dude here!" He gestured to Raphael, who was standing next to him. 

"Hello. Nice to see you again? I still don't quite understand how this works. I need to spend more time down here.." Warlock ignored him and stuck his hands in his pocket, also very pointedly ignoring Adam flicking his hair out of his face. 

"We have a member from both sides, so we will get to understand where they both were coming from. Nanny, you wanna start?" Crowley nodded, sauntering forward. 

"This was just around the time that the world had been created. We were told the Almighty's plans for humans. Some of us were set around the garden, while others had the more usual jobs. I helped make stars. Quite a few of them, I did. 

Anyways, some of the other angels were confused as to why the humans were given so much, why they didn't have to work like us. We didn't bring up our concerns. Why would we? But the questions grew. 

I had a lot of questions myself, and I never really fit in with most of the other angels. But the group Lucifer led, they accepted me without a second thought. The meetings started to grow larger, and we eventually worked up the nerve to ask the almighty herself. 

The only response we got was changes. Our feathers lost their shine, our eyes changed, or maybe our skin gained bumps and scales. The other angels started viewing us as outcasts. 

Then an argument. Between Lucifer and one of the Archangels. I don't remember which one. Probably Michael. 

Moving on, it all got a bit.. well, the fighting began. We fought for what we thought was harmless. The other angels won. They took us to her throne. And we fell. It was.. barren. Down there, at the moment. Just expanses of nothingness, although there were quite a few mud holes, and the sulphur pools. I landed in one of those."

Aziraphale frowned and moved to Crowley's side, opening his arms silently. Crowley shot a look to the camera, and to the sky, before stepping into the embrace. He glared at the video, a thin forked tongue curling out of his mouth in a small hiss. 

Raphael stepped in front of them. "Crowley pretty much got it all, for both sides. And yes, it was Michael. She was the one who shoved him down." Raphael winced at the brutality in his own words. "The Fall, from how we saw it, was simple. They were set aflame, and we would watch as their holy light, their essence, burned away. Then we.. well, we pushed them down." 

Raphael frowned, shooting a look to Crowley. "I.. I never questioned it. I regret it now, partaking in that, but it's what she wanted. That's why we fought you, you know. We never questioned. It was her will, and why should we fight it?" He said. 

Raphael looked back to the camera. "I'm sorry this isn't as light as the one about wings, but it's important information regardless." Raphael paused, and his eyes widened. A sudden smirk overtook his face, and he grinned at Aziraphale and Crowley. 

"I have to go, you two.. keep it up." And I'm a flash of light he was gone. Aziraphale and Crowley gave confused expressions to Warlock, who only shrugged. They had stopped hugging, but were still standing close to each other. Warlock stepped forward with Adam, and grinned at the camera. 

"That's it, I think. Don't lick the walls!" Crowley held a fist up at Warlock. "I DO WHAT I WANT!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one was short.


	3. Antichrists and Whatnot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not posting recently, I've had absolutely no motivation.

Warlock backed off from the camera with a grin. 

"To make up for the last episode, we're doing something special. Today, we're going to be talking about the apocalypse-" "that wasn't!" Adam finished for him with a grin. "And expanding off that, the Antichrist." Warlock said, gesturing at the grinning Adam. 

"We have some more guests. Cue, the Them!" Three more kids walked into frame. "Introduce yourselves, and Pepper, pleases don't start ranting. We're here to talk about celestial beings, not patriarchy." Warlock's face was not amused, and neither was the girl. 

"I'm Pepper. And they may think they're in charge, but they really aren't." She said, a serious expression on her face. A short boy with glasses stood next to her. "I'm Wensleydale. That's it, really." He smiled, adjusting his glasses. A taller boy stood next to Wensleydale. He was eating biscuits. "I'm Brian." He crunched another biscuit. 

"Aye, you better not be getting crumbs on my floors." Crowley grumbled, slithering, yes, slithering past. From the waist down, he had gained a snake's body. When Adam turned to see him, he gasped in delight. 

"That's so cool! Why're you like this?" He asked, bouncing up and down slightly. Crowley sighed and let his human-half sink down into the large coils. "'S been a while since I've done this, figured I might asss well. Pluss, I got bored." Crowley responded, pulling himself over to the sofa and draping himself across it. 

Warlock groaned. "C'mon, now we won't be able to sit." He whined at Crowley, who only stuck his currently forked tongue out at him. "Too bad, my housse." Crowley said, smirk growing larger. He crossed his arms and laid his head to rest on it, watching the children in front of him. 

"Anyways, we're going to talk about Adam's powers." Wensleydale piped up. "They aren't as strong as before, but he's still got them." He finished, looking over at Adam, who hadn't stopped grinning the entire time. 

"Mhm. I could probably make everybody watching this freeze in time, like Mr. Crowley does." Crowley answered with a noise somewhere between a groan and a 'meh.' 

"It's actually a good thing you're here, you can tell us what happened from YOUR prospective." Pepper added, sitting down on one of the coils that hadn't fit on the sofa. Crowley groaned, burying his head. "Why should I?" Warlock sighed, moving to sit next to Pepper. "Because, Nanny, you can tell us how it began." He said, leaning back against the couch and Crowley. 

Soon, all five kids had sat down on the large snake tail. Crowley seemed to have given up complaining about it and lifted up his head. "It began when Hastur Lavista and Ligur McGoo-face handed me a basket with a bloody baby in it. Er, not bloody, as in covered in blood. Anyways, I took the basket to the nuns, told 'em room three, and then tried to get a hold of Aziraphale. Previous plans had backfired on me, and I had to find a pay phone. Yay!" He was very unenthusiastic. "Turns out the nuns were bad at their job, and we thought you, little Hellspawn, were the antichrist. Clearly, we were wrong. Now get off my bloody tail." 

No child moved, and Crowley groaned, burying his head back into the sofa and his arms. "That's cool, innit? When we all got messed up, huh, Warlock?" Adam snickered. Warlock shook his head, trying and failing to hide a fond smile. 

"Yeah. It's probably a good thing, too. I don't even know what would have happened if I was the antichrist. I had kind of a messed up childhood." The Them were all nearly thrown off by Crowley jostling his tail. "I wasn't THAT bad!" He huffed, glaring at Warlock. 

Warlock snorted. "You sang six year old me songs about destroying the earth, Nanny. Actually, how about you sing one now?" He responded, leaning backwards towards Crowley's head. Crowley sighed, propping himself up. "No, because, those were just for you, my little hellspawn." He smirked, and patted Warlock's head. "Now go back to your little chat." 

Warlock sighed, turning to the others. "No lullabies, sorry." Brian shrugged. "Eh, we've got better things to do." Wensleydale added. 

"Alright. Back to what's at hand. So, Adam started getting.. weird. Telling us what we could and couldn't do. And then making us do it. It was kind of scary." Pepper said, looking over to Adam. He let his head hang. "It's alright though, everything's better now, and you were probably just overwhelmed an' everything." Brian added quickly, patting Adam on his shoulder. Adam nodded appreciatively. 

"Even Dog was freaking out. That's what got you back to normal." Pepper said, patting the ex-hellhound on the head. "Yeah, thanks, Dog." Crowley sounded from the couch. Dog yipped at him. 

"So, Adam calmed down, and we got our bikes and headed to the airbase. We rode in, and then the horsemen greeted us. We beat him, told off the horsemen and Aziraphale and Crowley's ex-bosses, and Aziraphale told Crowley he wouldn't talk to him ever again and Crowley's major cr-" 

Crowley succeeded on throwing them off him this time, swiftly ending Pepper's sentence. "Shut it!" He hissed, a blush creeping up his cheeks. "I- You- Ergh!" He growled in frustration, burying his head in the sofa. 

The Them tried their hardest not to laugh at the squirming serpent-man, but couldn't help the few snorts that escaped. They sat back down on Crowley. 

"Anyways, Mr. Crowley stopped time and pulled me and Mr. Aziraphale into another dimension, talked to me a bit, and we faced my ex-dad. Now.. well, that was the end that wasn't." Adam said, shrugging. 

"Mhm. Now.. can you do a little miracle, Adam? Show off some of your powers?" Warlock asked, trying to play off the grin creeping up his face. "Uhm, sure?" Adam said, and with a snap of his fingers all the Them had an ice cream in their hands. "Sorry, I don't know what flavor you like, so I just got strawberry.." He chuckled. Warlock couldn't help but smile shyly. "No, Strawberry's one of my favorites. I like it. Thanks." Warlock answered, while the other three kids giggled at the two. 

Ignoring them, Warlock looked back at the camera. "Well, thanks for watching. We're gonna go play in the woods and finish our ice cream. I think Crowley fell asleep.." A perfectly timed snore confirmed this. "Uh, yeah. Don't lick the walls, and bye!" A chorus of goodbyes filled the room, and the video ended.


End file.
